Love

 Love

What is love?

Love is far more than saying I love you,

And sometimes, it’s not hearing it, but knowing it’s there.

Love is thinking before you speak and remembering to be kind even when you’ve had a tough day and are in a bad mood, and forgiving and understanding the other when we don’t quite pull this off.

Love is not all the pretty stuff we post on Social media, but farting in bed, smelly morning breath, snoring, staying up late getting drunk and singing along to Mamma Mia at the top of our voices. 

Sunday mornings lazing in bed with coffee and somewhat eclectic breakfasts

Gentle teasing about F1 drivers, Apple verses Android, Radio 2 or Kiss FM, setting 5 alarms and snoozing the last 10 times verses jumping straight out of bed for work.

Love is appreciating our similarities, acknowledging our differences, our anxieties, and our quirks without judgement.

Love is understanding that we love our families even when we find ours or each other’s difficult.

Love is trust, trust that we will be honest with each other, but always kind. No secrets, no lies.

Love is building each other up but not putting on a pedestal. 

Encouraging each other to be the best that we can be, and sometimes, in the nicest way,  it’s calling each other out on our crap.

Love is understanding that life isn’t all plain sailing and when storms make the waters choppy, as they will, we will have broad shoulders and strong arms to support when needed and to know that the other will be there to support us in turn. 

Love is singing in the car and taking turns to be the designated driver.

It’s prioritising each other and, when needed, ourselves, because you can’t pour from an empty cup.

It’s more than just sharing the chores, but sharing our ideas, money and resources to build something together with solid foundations.

It’s Midnight conversations asking what’s for dinner tomorrow and laughing till we cry at the silliest things.

It’s promising to look after each other when it’s easy and when it’s not. When we are ill and as we get old together. 

It’s planning adventures and having a best friend to share it all and to make memories with.

Sometimes it’s both of us talking excitedly at the same time, and finishing each other’s sentences, 

but it is also enjoying the silences together, the small moments, watching tv, washing up, cuddles before sleep, holding hands ........

Life is a succession of small moments to be celebrated, because all those small moments add up to big things. They make us us, and they add up to love.

Love in the time of Covid 19

Well, I haven’t kept up my blog for a long time but now seems like the perfect time to resurrect it. If you get really bored you can search my back catalogue!!

We are living in very strange times and they have escalated at a rate that makes me feel dizzy.

At the beginning it felt quite surreal but over the next few weeks I am sure it will begin to feel all too real as we watch the daily news, the figures rising and perhaps people we know, love and care for fall victim to this virus.

At the start I was quite ashamed to be part of the human race with the scenes of supermarket madness. I was disgusted at the greed and selfishness displayed and it made me quite low. 

Now you all know that I am a Pollyanna at heart and those that now me best know that I am either, to quote Robbie Williams, “ a little too high or a little too low. “ and when I fall in to the pit of despair I fall hard. 

You also know that I will drag my ass back up again but I was in a bit of a tizzy to say the least. A real low funk! My mental health was not good, my anxiety was through the roof. 

I have always had a full diary of things to look forward to and this year being my 50th I had more plans than ever, tickets booked for lots of things, a bucket list I was looking forward to. Suddenly, an empty calendar stretching before me as events were cancelled one by one. Everything felt uncertain and bleak.

Then I got thinking, my brain never stops whirring. It drives me mad which is one of the reasons I started my blog in the first place, it helps me to put my thoughts down in writing. I’ll apologise for my spelling in advance 😂

People were behaving in this awful way because they were scared, scared for themselves and for the people they love and I guess it is hard wired in all of our DNA to protect ourselves and the people we love and this is what was driving this insanity. Survival of the fittest and all that.

Slowly we have all calmed down a bit and while we are all still scared we can see a bigger picture emerging.

While we all adjust to this new pace of staying at home it is us Pollyanna’s who will try to keep everyone united, busy and smiling. So many heartwarming stories of human kindness and sacrifice are appearing everywhere you look. 

I have been criticised over the years for my love of Facebook and social media but it has always been a lifeline to me. When I was living through domestic abuse, through my divorce and after it when I was lonely it had an important role to play in keeping me busy and connected. I joined groups, made friends, fell in love. I try as I always have, to use my social media to bring joy and happiness. Spread that shit around, we all need it now more than ever.

And now, everywhere you look people are doing the same, live comedy, online quizzes, live meditation (which I love) keep fit, videos of actors reading sonnets, my photography groups, friends posting videos of them singing..... the list goes on and on. Technology is the thing that is empowering us at the moment, a tool for good if we use it correctly. Being in isolation should not leave us feeling isolated.

Add to that the stories of everyone coming out to clap for the NHS which was quite emosh and people offering to help get food for others less able. People coming together and uniting and coordinating effort. Stories of people putting their lives at risk to save others, people keeping the country going with a smile on their faces, doctors, food suppliers, care workers, teaching staff, postal workers, delivery drivers. There will still be stories unfortunately of people taking advantage of the situation, scammers etc but on the whole It is a tsunami of positivity during this alarming test of our endurance.

It has been lovely to reconnect with friends, check up on family. I’ve had more conversations with my neighbours this week than before ( at a distance) I’ve set up what’s app groups with different groups of friends and family,  FaceTime sessions, etc. I am trying to post quizzes and puzzles to keep our minds active and get people involved in things more than ever. 

Some may find it annoying but most, I hope appreciate it. I am focused more than ever on the people in my life that I love and that bring me joy. I am so very fortunate that in Ian I have a partner who makes me laugh every day, who puts up with my moody shit, my crying and understands me better than anyone ever has. I am blessed that those I love are, for now, safe and well.

I’m still scared.

I still have to go to work albeit on a smaller scale. I’d much rather cocoon myself safe at home but the job I do is more important than ever at this particular, peculiar time.

Luke has been redeployed to Waitrose as John Lewis have shut their doors and I worry about him being in contact with the public and bringing something home but again, it’s an important and necessary service atm. 

We are all worried about the future financial implications as jobs are on hold or lost and holidays and such are held in the balance.

But we are all in this together and globally not just in our own neighbourhoods and it’s so heartwarming to see everyone unite, despite our growing fears, with us all doing our best to look after each other, physically, emotionally and spiritually. Never mind Herd Immunity, it’s all about Herd Community!! I for one am seeing all the positives.

As we adjust to this new pace of life, new priorities it would be lovely to think that we will continue these things on into our future. Unfortunately I fear that as we all get back to normal in a few months time we will go back to being the selfish twats we were before. Pollution will once again rise, we will forget to call our family and to reconnect with friends as the pace of our lives returns to its frantic pace. We will stop looking after our mental health and each other. But I hope not. We have an amazing opportunity to rediscover what and who is really important in our lives and to carry it forward.

Stay safe my friends. Peace and love. Xx

RIP

• In 2017 there were 6,213 suicides in the UK and Republic of Ireland.
• Of these, 5,821 suicides were registered in the UK 
• and 392 occurred in the Republic of Ireland.
• In the UK, men are three times as likely to take their own lives than women.
• In the UK, the highest suicide rate was for men aged 45-49

Masculinity – the way men are brought up to 
behave and the roles, attributes and behaviours that society expects of them – contributes to suicide in men..

Samaritans report, 'Men and Suicide: Why it's a social issue' 

Terrifying statistics that became a reality for our family at the 

beginning of the summer break when a friend of ours whom I have known for over 20 years committed suicide, leaving behind 2 lovely young children and a devastated wife. An older son, A father, a sister, family in law.
In a split second, their lives changed. 

Then the ripple effect, his close friends, his school and other friends, 

his children’s friends families, his ex colleagues, his neighbours...... 

people who loved him, people who cared.

It is going to take a lot of time and a lot of love for his closest family 
and friends to come to terms with this and for them to pick up the pieces of their broken lives and rebuild some semblance of normality now after the funeral. I suspect they are working through many emotions and there is so little anyone can really do to make it any easier.

Mental health is different to your physical Heath. It’s scary to face and talk honestly about, but so, so important not to neglect.

But it is not always as easy to see as a physical problem which is why we need to fight to change people’s attitudes and societies perception of mental health. We need to raise boys to become men who can be open about their feelings, men who are confident to be sensitive, and 
that know that it is okay to not always be okay and to seek support when it’s not.  

So, alongside his best friend, my bro in law Glen and my sister Jo, Ian and I and some other friends will be undertaking an 8 mile night time walk from Greenwich to Big Ben on Saturday 26th October for the charity CALM ( Campaign against living miserably ) who’s frontline services run a free and confidential helpline and web chat. 

They offer support for those bereaved by suicide and they spread their message and facilitate supportive spaces in workplaces, universities, nubs, clubs and prisons to help people feel empowered to share experiences and get the help they need before they reach the point of crisis.

“As time goes backwards, we’re walking forwards to campaign against feeling rubbish, against struggling in silence, against being alone, against living miserably.

16 people take their own life every day, leaving behind thousands of friends and family and colleagues. On the day we are given extra time, we walk for those for whom there wasn’t enough.”

There is little else we can do but walk, talk, remember him and raise some money that may help someone else in need.

If you would like to sponsor us you can use this link to our Just giving page.

www.justgiving.com/fundraising/emma-white117

#10yearchallenge

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2016/apr/25/fade-to-grey-why-women-should-stop-dyeing-their-hair

I am seriously considering this.
This whole #10yearchallenge has got me thinking.
The fact is In 11 days time I turn 49yrs old.
Quite frankly after all I’ve been through in my life I feel I should embrace being alive and just fucking rock it. Frankly I’m proud I’ve made it this far! There was a time I didn’t think I would. Maybe the time has come to just own it with some sass 😳 I’m literally not getting any younger, at what point does it become unbecoming and a mockery to pretend? We’ve all made judgement on people with obvious and bad dye jobs....think Paul McCartney!! He looks much better now btw,I’m glad someone told him to stop!

But why is there so much pressure to be seen as young? And why is it that on a man it’s seen as sexy and termed ‘ silver fox’ and a woman is just seen as old? Ian is a year younger than me and he’s been silver for years, he looks great. I’ve never known him any other way, but when I mention me embracing it, he says “ nooooo!”
As he’s 6ft2” I’m on a hiding to nothing as he’s the first to point out that my ‘ silver highlights’ are showing again.

Why? Why do I need to pretend that I’m something I’m not....is it not possible to be naturally grey and attractive?

I’m already having to embrace my natural curls at the moment as I can’t dry or straighten my hair at the moment ( Bethany my curly shampoo is lovely, my hair feels very soft ) so maybe this is the moment to grab the bull by the horns as I can’t home dye it at the moment either.
I’ve Ive been thinking about it for a while.
A friend, younger than me has bravely led the way and taken the plunge. I’ve spoken to my girlfriends and there are definitely 2 camps with this problem. The ‘Dye’ hards or Dye nots.
I figure I may as well do it now rather than wait until I’m really grey as it will be easier to grow out although I may get some professional help, some highlights or colours put in to help with the transition (Amy I would be interested in your thoughts and professional opinion please)

So ladies......gentlemen..... over to you for your thoughts ?

Strength

So, this week I finally had my surgery to my shoulder after my accident at the beginning of the year  on January 23rd. 

It has been a tough year for me. A very mixed year. I’ve been in a lot of pain and I’ve been very unhappy at not being able to dance at all.  

I’ve been loving working in year 1 and feeling more settled at my new school entering my second year there, but equally stressed about the effects of having to take so much time off with my injury and surgeries. 

I’ve recently begun to dance again, not Salsa, if I’m honest I’m not sure I’m ever going to be strong enough for that again which breaks my heart, but Sally is teaching Kizomba locally again and as it’s danced in hold, I’ve been able to do it as it doesn’t put much stress on my shoulder. It’s made me so happy to be back and I’ve been in less pain. 

But life is a rollercoaster...... and I don’t recal screaming to go faster!!

Now I’ve had my surgery I’m kind of back to square one, but hopefully with an end in sight. 

I am only the 7th person to have had this surgery which involves a human donor piece of tissue being grafted to what’s left of my tendon and joining it back to the bone ( my tendon had torn clean off the bone ) and whilst they were in there they found I had a second tear which they were also able to repair. The surgeons at Royal National Orthapaedic Hospital Stanmore are amazing and yet again I’ve found myself in the best place for the surgery I’ve needed. It is a postcode lottery out there. I am lucky in many ways. 

Today is day 4 and it’s been a wobbly sort of day. I’m feeling a bit tearful. I hate not being in control at the best of times but this is a real challenge. I am in a forward facing sling for 6 weeks, which are looming long ahead of me. 

Ian has just moved in a week ago and has basically become quite literally my “right hand” man!

It wasn’t supposed to be this way. The shortest honeymoon period ever! 😭 

He’s having to do everything for me. I tell you there is nothing more humbling and undignified than having to have someone wash you because you can’t do it yourself.  He’s supposed to be my lover, not my Carer. I want him to look at me with desire in his eyes, not an eye roll because I’m such a nuisance. 😢

And I am very far from attractive, my hairs a mess, living in my PJs atm, no make up, feeling ugly, naked and vulnerable, helpless and hopeless and I’m struggling a bit with it all today. 

I’ll get over it. I really have no choice. 

Each day is a battle for minuscule successes. I am managing to feed myself and write shakily left handed. I managed a one handed weild of a duster earlier and one handedly emptied the dishwasher. I can make a cup of tea or coffee and managed to make a meal for myself this evening,  thanks to my Mum for the food parcels, I had home made salmon quiche with new potatoes, broccoli and peas.    I’ve been left home alone after a visit from my Betty boo and Jo, Luke’s at work and Ian has gone racing. 

I’m walking a very fine line between trying to not be too stubborn while being as independent albeit limitedly as I can. At the same time I have to accept my limitations and accept help gracefully. And I am grateful, so grateful that Ian is once again my rock. Even through my darkest days he makes me laugh despite the tears. He is the kindest, strongest man I’ve ever known, my ⚓️ and I love him more than he can ever know. If we can survive this start of our life living together I think we can survive almost anything life throws at us. I guess that’s what being partners is all about. The rough with the smooth, taking it in turns to be the strong one for the other, the shoulder to lean on. 

It’s going to be an interesting first Christmas together but I am looking forward to 2019 being a little smoother sailing ⛵️

It’s complicated!

Why do some people find it so hard to say I love you? Or I’m sorry?

Is it lack of experience I wonder. Something that was not present to be observed and learned from in their formative years?

Is it a form of self protection because it makes them feel not in control, feelings they don’t want to have to face or deal with because it makes them feel vulnerable?

Is it a fear of not being loved back, even when it is so obvious that they are, but it’s so overwhelming that they just daren't believe it, so they unconsciously sabotage it.....

or that by admitting that they may actually be in the wrong or they fucked up, they may have to examine themselves and their behaviour and make a choice to stick or twist?

Or maybe, they just aren’t .....

Human beings are complicated

Tick Tock

   

Tick Tock 

I’ve never really worn a watch. I’ve owned a few unremarkable ones but never quite got to grips with them. 

My partner Ian is obsessed with them. He collects them and is very knowledgable about them. 

He’s even got me wearing one on loan from him,  in fact it is the first watch he bought. A very retro Tag Heuer first generation F1 watch from approx 1987 which I think his watch man at C S Bedford Jewellers in Ruislip has his eye on as he always comments on it. Says it’s the coolest watch in the shop right now! It’s not particularly girly, or pretty, certainly no bling! but it was special to him and so it’s special to me.

We were there today for several reasons. Firstly because Ian managed to wash one of his very expensive watches in his jeans pocket! As he said “ suitable for diving to 300m but not so good on a spin cycle in Watford. “ Secondly because we were interested in getting my dear departed Dads old watch serviced as Seiko had said they couldn’t get the parts for it. But of course Ian knows a man that can. 

Now, with a little research from Ian we discovered that it was a watch with a story, as many of them have. Due to its rather striking colours it is known as a  ‘Pepsi ‘ but it’s correct tittle is The ‘Colonel 

Pogue’ seiko 6139. Ironicaly my Dads nickname at when he worked at Sky Sports was ‘The Colonel’

Most watches have Motor Racing or Nautical histories but there are also watches with connection to Aviation and in  this case Space Exploration, The watch is named, so the story goes after said Colonel Pogue who bought the watch in 1973 and took it aboard the Skylab mission 4 which was the final manned mission to the United States first space station. He took it aboard as part of his personal belongings and was never formally approved for mission. The NASA approved watch was a Speedmaster, but it was never the less to become the first chronograph watch ever taken into space. 

As soon as I set eyes on this watch it is like instant time travel. Dad wore little jewellery but this watch is iconic of him and I can’t see it without immediate flashbacks. 

So, I’m discovering that watches have both historical and emotional connections but one thing is for certain, even though it’s nice to look back, time keeps marching us forward, to the future, to make new stories.