Friday, 15 December 2017

It's begining to look a lot like Christmas

I can't believe how fast this year has flown!

This time last year, I had just got together with Ian and I was a bit of a mess waiting for my year 6 cancer check results.
Poor Ian had a baptism of baby dragon fire as my emotions were all over the place, It's always a horrible time and I am on tenterhooks waiting up to 4-6 weeks for results.

I felt that all I'd been through, surgery after surgery, reconstruction, a divorce, starting again just me and the kids in a new home and all the challenges that came with that, finances and loneliness, life was finally turning a corner.  The kids were happy and settled and doing well at Uni and work, I'd found my passion again with my dancing, I was just about keeping my head above water and I'd met the love of my life!
It would just be the law of sod that the rug would get pulled out from under me now!!! Like in the Alanis Morrisette song "Ironic"

But it hasn't been.

1 year on and I have just opened the envelope on year 7s results (all clear) and it's been easier.
For the first time.
Maybe because I have been so busy, maybe because I am finally coming to terms with all that's happened to me and putting it behind me.

My physical recovery has been fine. Months off work after each of my numerous surgeries but the body heals and scars fade. The ones you can see anyway!
My mental recovery has taken a lot longer.....
I'll avoid the 'J' word but it has taken me years to really come to terms with it all. I have done a lot of soul searching, reflecting and gained a deeper personal understanding of myself, how I work, what I need.
Well as much as I can. Cancer is not something you ever "get over" it is always there in the back of your mind casting a shadow, that fear that I am a ticking time bomb but every year it lessens.
For a long time, the fear was crippling. Literally crippling.
I walked around like a deer in the headlights for years coping on the outside but crumbling underneath.
I was never offered any counselling and I really could have used it. My family and friends were my bicycle repair kit.
I think I suffered from undiagnosed depression which I have lifted myself out of but I am left with anxiety which still creeps up on me every now and again and it can be debilitating but I have a deeper understanding of my triggers now.

I'm sorry I haven't had much time for blogging this year, I've really missed my writing. It still helps me to make sense of things.

It has been another busy year of change, Beth moving out, me studying, a new job, building a new life with Ian and I am in a very happy and settled place now. My result letter was the icing on my Christmas cake!
I am looking forward to our second Christmas together,  presents all bought and wrapped, house decorated, plans made, happy days ahead to be shared and now I can relax and enjoy it.

I am acutely aware though that while I am having a good year I have friends who are having a horrible time and are in that dark place that I once inhabited. They are trying to cope with all the shit life can throw at you and it just keeps coming.
One who is dreading this Christmas and tired of fighting, painting that smile on every day while they are in turmoil inside.
It's hard to see the light at times like this and dig yourself out and I feel for her.
The light is there though and I know that she will find it in time and work through it all to happier times with the help of her friends and beautiful family. She just can't see it yet.

So to all my friends having a hard time, it's ok not to be ok and I'm sending you love and light.

Thursday, 2 March 2017

I'm still here!


It's been over 5 months since I last blogged but I am still here even if you can't see me. 
I've just been in temporary hiding in my whirlwind of a world. 
Because my world got turned upside down a bit since November and a silly trip to IKEA with Ian. 
Who has an unintentional first date in IKEA for goodness sake?
Well would I ever do anything the conventional way?

Ian and I have been friends (F1) on Facebook for few years and had met a couple of times when he helped me out with electrical stuff but I didn't see this one coming....I don't think either of us did. 

It was a little stressful at the start due to circumstances that were a little out of our control, a few bumps in the road but we've fallen into something that feels very comfortable in just 15 weeks.
I can't believe it is only 15 weeks!!

I am busier than I've ever been trying to juggle my old life, my family and a new relationship but I also think I am the happiest I have ever been. 
He is the reason I smile at my phone like an idiot and giggle out loud.
He's my blue crayon and I've waited a very long time for him.

So here's briefly what I've been up to:
Christmas and New Year was lovely but passed in a blur. 
I had my first ever real Valentines date at the grand age of 47yrs old. 
Beth got her dream West End job and we helped her move out to East London into her first home away from my nest. 
I've been studying since Xmas and after 30 years and 1 failed attempt, I managed to pass my Level 2 Maths exam.

Busy times ahead:
I'm still dancing and am looking forward to a Salsa weekend away in Majorca in May and a Kizomba workshop coming up soon. 
Ian and I have a holiday booked for the Summer and lots of other fun plans booked in between.

And challenges:
Studying for my HLTA
At some point I am going to have to drive to his flat in Watford (eeeeek)
Trying to write my blog regularly again.
And I need to try harder to have some proper down time and look after myself better as I know I'm in danger of burnout if I don't.

Sorry #Crazygang I have missed so many #Wordonthestreet posts, weekends have been busy and I will try my best to keep up with the new F1 season and admin. 

Who knows what the future has in store.....I'm just going to enjoy each step as it happens.

So if you don't see me around as much as you did, I'm still here, smiling at my phone like a love struck teenager!