It's begining to look a lot like Christmas

I can't believe how fast this year has flown!

This time last year, I had just got together with Ian and I was a bit of a mess waiting for my year 6 cancer check results.
Poor Ian had a baptism of baby dragon fire as my emotions were all over the place, It's always a horrible time and I am on tenterhooks waiting up to 4-6 weeks for results.

I felt that all I'd been through, surgery after surgery, reconstruction, a divorce, starting again just me and the kids in a new home and all the challenges that came with that, finances and loneliness, life was finally turning a corner.  The kids were happy and settled and doing well at Uni and work, I'd found my passion again with my dancing, I was just about keeping my head above water and I'd met the love of my life!
It would just be the law of sod that the rug would get pulled out from under me now!!! Like in the Alanis Morrisette song "Ironic"

But it hasn't been.

1 year on and I have just opened the envelope on year 7s results (all clear) and it's been easier.
For the first time.
Maybe because I have been so busy, maybe because I am finally coming to terms with all that's happened to me and putting it behind me.

My physical recovery has been fine. Months off work after each of my numerous surgeries but the body heals and scars fade. The ones you can see anyway!
My mental recovery has taken a lot longer.....
I'll avoid the 'J' word but it has taken me years to really come to terms with it all. I have done a lot of soul searching, reflecting and gained a deeper personal understanding of myself, how I work, what I need.
Well as much as I can. Cancer is not something you ever "get over" it is always there in the back of your mind casting a shadow, that fear that I am a ticking time bomb but every year it lessens.
For a long time, the fear was crippling. Literally crippling.
I walked around like a deer in the headlights for years coping on the outside but crumbling underneath.
I was never offered any counselling and I really could have used it. My family and friends were my bicycle repair kit.
I think I suffered from undiagnosed depression which I have lifted myself out of but I am left with anxiety which still creeps up on me every now and again and it can be debilitating but I have a deeper understanding of my triggers now.

I'm sorry I haven't had much time for blogging this year, I've really missed my writing. It still helps me to make sense of things.

It has been another busy year of change, Beth moving out, me studying, a new job, building a new life with Ian and I am in a very happy and settled place now. My result letter was the icing on my Christmas cake!
I am looking forward to our second Christmas together,  presents all bought and wrapped, house decorated, plans made, happy days ahead to be shared and now I can relax and enjoy it.

I am acutely aware though that while I am having a good year I have friends who are having a horrible time and are in that dark place that I once inhabited. They are trying to cope with all the shit life can throw at you and it just keeps coming.
One who is dreading this Christmas and tired of fighting, painting that smile on every day while they are in turmoil inside.
It's hard to see the light at times like this and dig yourself out and I feel for her.
The light is there though and I know that she will find it in time and work through it all to happier times with the help of her friends and beautiful family. She just can't see it yet.

So to all my friends having a hard time, it's ok not to be ok and I'm sending you love and light.
Xx