Happy New Year 2024

I'm not one for making great declarations of new year resolutions, yes, I need to continue and build on the good practice I've begun this year, to drink less, walk / dance more, set solid priorities for health, boundaries and growth. 

But I always find the eve of a new year makes me pause to reflect on the past year.

Like every year 2023 has been a year with some challenges, especially at work and with my health but a lot of fun highlights too.

Every year is a mixed bag of good and bad, and packaged inside any mistakes I've made is a lesson, and whilst I don't want to take those mistakes into the new year with me, I will most certainly take the lessons. That's personal growth. 

 

There are people and situations I will not be bringing into the new year with me for the good of my own mental health. I've no room in my life anymore for disrespect and these last few years have been a huge lesson in disrespect.  

My boundaries, my time, my energy and my peace are all increasingly important to me. I spent a lot of years in the past where I'd lost the value of these things. I allowed myself to be treated with far, far less than I deserved by many people in my life, and to live with levels of toxicity that have been far reaching in it's damage. By putting everybody's needs before my own, I lost myself.  

Now I know my worth again and I've re discovered those values. With Ian's love and support I have realised that my needs are important too and if I don't value them, then no one else will either. I've done a lot of hard work on myself these last few years.

I will let go of anyone that can't respect or appreciate those values.

I will meet people with the same energy they give me. 

I don't mean this in an unkind way, just with a growing understanding of those that appreciate and value my efforts. I'm tired of banging my head on brick walls, I'm tired of sending messages that go ignored and caring too much and questioning myself thinking I've done something wrong or I've not given enough when it's usually the opposite. 

I will meet people where they are. I won't make excuses for peoples flaky behaviour anymore. You all have the same 24hrs a day as I do, so you make your choices and I will listen. As I turn 54yrs in a few weeks, I really am getting too old for this shit!

And I'm also on a journey to understand my neurodiversity, which means I give out a lot more energy than most! ...... but thats OK. You'll all have to raise your game, I'm not lowering mine 😜

I'd like to thank all my good friends and family who bumble along life's ever winding road with me. Who through the past year have given me joy, shared their wisdom. and humour, their time, energy and positivity, those who notice and act on it. 

Kindness, honesty and loyalty are the holy trinity to me and I like to think that is what I give out into the world. Therefore, anyone who has made me doubt theirs in the past, well, that's where those lessons lie and I'll take them into 2024 with me. 

I will keep on believing in my ability to manifest my own happiness and will continue my endeavour to keep my thoughts, words and deeds positive and to continue to practice daily gratitude and humility. 

So I'm wishing you all another happy year around the sun. There will undoubtedly be more challenges thrown our way but I'll keep meeting mine head on with the support of all the people in my life that love me and I hope you know that I love you right back and I will be there to support you through your tough times and to share your laughter too.

365days (366 days actually as it’s a leap year!)  for us to fill with sunshine, to keep learning, keep smiling, keep loving ❤️ 

" your present circumstances don't determine where you can go. They merely determine where you start." - Nedo Quebein

Welcoming 2023

Goodbye 2022, you’ve been relentless in the lessons you’ve sent me. 

I have been well and truly tested. 

My faith, my health, both mental and physical and my finances.

 I’ve been tested by my family and friendships, by my trusting nature and my kind heart which are  often taken advantage of. 

2022 will be remembered as the year I chose what is best for me and even though the road was hard I stuck to it and I learned many lessons.

I am learning to say no.

I am learning to speak my truth.

I am learning to stand up for myself.

I am learning my value and who I am valued by.

I’m a work in progress and that’s ok.

I’ve lost a lot but I’ve also gained.

I failed, I cried, I laughed, I loved and I learned. 

I learned money will never be a bartering price for my love as I value love over money.

I learned I did not break though I feared I would.

And I am reminded that I am still stronger than I know. 

I hold blessings for everyone in my life, especially those who have been constant to me in their trust and love, their honesty, kindness, respect, support, guidance and un-ending friendship. 

But also more importantly for those that have chosen to believe the very worst of me and the misrepresentation of facts presented to them without allowing me the dignity of explanation. For those who have disrespected me, ostracised me or tried to control me. 

I’ve drawn a line under it now and I am at peace, because I know I have always been true, had the best of intentions and came from a good place with all of my heart. 

My peace is mine and I guard it with my life.

So roll on 2023. 

I’m walking into 2023 with a clear heart and mind and with forgiveness , most importantly forgiveness for myself.

This is a new chapter.

I wish all my friends and family healing, health, and hope for a 2023 filled with joy and happiness.

Greece is always a good idea! 🧿

If you asked me why I love Kefalonia, this is how I would describe it to you.

Close your eyes and imagine……

Can you feel the sun on your face?

A whisper of wind in your hair? 

What do you hear?

Take a deep breath and smell the air.

Let all of your senses awaken to the natural beauty, the simplicity, the peace.

Kefalonia - My Island love affair 💙🇬🇷🤍

The mountain, majestic with spines of Cypress littered amongst the Black Pine,

Proudly baring it’s fire scars which wind tracking their own path down the mountainside.

So dry, so barren, yet by juxtaposition also so verdant and green.

The heady smell of mountain Thyme, Greek Basil and Wild Oregano.

Endless ear popping roads, rough cut into the cliff edge, winding into hairpin bends and rockfalls.

The cloudy Milky Way in a sky speckled with a thousand stars in the pitch black of the National Park.

The relaxed, sleepy sound of Cicada’s chirping in the trees lulling me to close my eyes in slumber.

Pretty coloured beehives, flashes of colour dotted in the rocks.

Loggerhead turtles ‘Caretta Caretta’  lazily swimming in the lagoon.

Arrogant goats everywhere, scattering in the road as you round a bend.

Swallows swooping, dipping and diving with graceful ease above your head,

and butterflies dancing skilfully on the breeze.

Street side Tavernas jingling with the gentle sounds of Bouzouki music.

Virile men, young and old dancing with skill handed down, spin, turn and kick.

No more the plate smashing revelry of past times but instead, napkins thrown reign down, 

floating in the air as the music reaches it’s climax.

Simple satisfying food, Souvlaki, fresh fish, salads, salty olives, feta, creamy, garlicky tzatziki and breads. Washed down with Mythos and crude wine served in metal jugs by the weight.

Sweet, nutty, honey soaked Baklava and Rovani served with ice cream.

Endless Olive groves full of ancient trees whispering to each other in the breeze with leaves turning from green to silver and back to green again.

Branches laden with natures bounty....Peach, Grape, Lemon, Lime, Orange, Pomegranate and fig.

The vibrant colour of hot pink Bougainvillea contrast against the endless blue of the sky.

Heavy boughed arches of Oleander, Mallow and Hibiscus.

Prickly Pear Cacti poking over garden walls and palm trees swaying in silhouette against the firmament.

Yellow and blue domes of tiny churches and little shrines, everywhere icons, candles and prayers.

The indescribable blue of the Ionian Sea and the warm wholesome smell of salt in the air. 

Sail Boats, Yachts, Catamarans and the hubbub of bustling passenger Ferries, 

Criss crossing the ocean in constant flux, in and out of harbours and marinas.

The crystal clear waters of natural underground lakes. Millpond still, ice cold and so blue,

Invoking childhood memories of colours from my paintbox....

Azure, Sapphire, Turquoise, Cyan, Cobalt.

New Year 2020-2021

Last New Years Eve seems like such a long time ago now. January 2020 started with a bang! A new job (which I love) I turned 50yrs and had a lovely family lunch at Lemonia and a fab party in Soho with friends and family. I made a bucket list to celebrate my “big” birthday and had lots to look forward to.

Then, the news reports started coming out of China, news reports of Cruise Ships being stranded and people on board getting sick, people not allowed to come on to land. Even then we didn’t quite realise the impact this was going to have on us, as individuals, a country, the world, the economy..........it seemed so remote. Then panic rose and our world imploded.

It started with the kind of bizarre behaviour that only mankind can produce, loo roll stockpiling! The supermarkets went mad! Pasta, flour, yeast were non existent, shelves literally bare in every town across the country. Queuing outside supermarkets through the car park became our new normal as Boris announced Lockdown.

Our world shrunk around us and new vocabulary entered our consciousness.

Covid 19

Daily government briefings with Boris and Whitty.

Work from home, protect the NHS

Nightingale Hospital 

Teaching moved on line, parents becoming main educators

Joe Wicks keeps the nation fit

Furlough and grants

Clapping for the NHS

Getting to know my neighbors 

Distanced chatting in front gardens from gate to door

Rainbows in windows

Roads so quiet, barely any traffic

Anxiety rising, overwhelming fear

Daily meditation with Jay Shetty

Salsa styling classes on line in my kitchen

Loungewear 

Weight gain

Walking to keep fit and discovering new places

On line quizzes and games

Lockdown beards

Home haircuts ( and in my case making the move to stop dying my hair )

Zoom therapy sessions for Luke and a support group for me

Lockdown viewing wish list

Masks

Hand gel

Temperature checks

Covid tests (x3) and relief when negative result

Isolating

Protecting vulnerable family

No hugging

Elbow bumps and toe taps

One way systems

Restaurants, theatres, pubs, hairdressers closed, essential shopping only

Holidays canceled

Theatre trips canceled 

Eat out to help out

Working through lockdown

Being a keyworker

Bubbles

Tier system rollercoaster

Being kind and the kindness of strangers

Good friends

Brexit back in the news again, deal finally agreed

New variant spreading fast

Vaccine hope

Countries shutting their boarders

Lorries stacked up in Dover

Christmas is not cancelled but Christmas is different this year

Quiet New Year celebrations at home.

Quite a sobering list huh! But there have been many highlights and good times amongst all that. 

Amongst the positives are that I got to spend time with the 3 most important people in my life. I got to see more of my daughter Beth as she would normally be working, we were able to go on some lovely walks together, I’m so glad she was staying at my Mums when all this kicked off, it would have been awful had she been living on her own further away and she’s been a great support to my Mum and Eddie too. 

I got to spend more quality time with Luke too as we shared time cooking together which was lovely.

But also to spend more time with Ian and we’ve had to do things differently this year, visited places together we would never have found if it weren’t for the restrictions we’ve been living under, lavender farms, sunflower fields, Downton Abbey with Uncle Andy and Aunty Val, drive in movies, walks in the woods etc. We have grown even closer together and have taken it in turns to give and receive support when needed, which we have always done, but I think this year we have reached an even deeper understanding of what we need individually and as a couple. For instance Ian quickly worked out that when I was feeling trapped inside and life spiralling out of our control and my anxiety was sky high that he needed to get me out, quite literally!  “ come on, we’re going for a walk, where shall we go?” became a regular thing back in the Spring/ Summer. This year has cemented our relationship into even deeper footings, we’ve been through a lot this year and have done a lot of soul searching. In adverse times you find out a lot about yourself and what you need individually and as a couple and you find about a lot about other people. Much like when I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer.

Sadly In my quest to carve out my future with Ian and have financial independence I’ve managed to upset and hurt my sister (and my mum) which was not something I ever set out to do. Things are broken down with my sister at the moment but I’ll  keep throwing out olive branches. I hope that next year I can reach an understanding with her but It’s been an unbelievably painful, hurtful and upsetting time.

Ian proposed to me in October in a beautiful way at the V&A and we have planned a very small wedding in February which at the moment have no idea if it will be able to go ahead. We’re ok with it though,  It will happen at some point and in some form next year but it’s not in our control. We are delighted and excited nevertheless and very much looking forward to becoming Mr & Mrs Foreman.

I’ve reached my 10yr cancerversary mark as the year draws to a close which is a good feeling. My anxiety around my cancer returning is quietening every year now which is a relief. It’s taken such a long time.

My life has been made richer by my close friendship groups this year, I have friends that always have my back, make me laugh, share my joy and pain ( and wine) and am looking forward to some good times to come, including hopefully a wedding reception!! I need to throw my bouquet!!

So, this year has been far from ideal but I take courage from the good moments, my glass is still half full. I’m thankful that we have made it through the last 9 months with all our friends and family still safe and well and hope that as we look forward on the brink of a new year that this remains so. We are not out of the woods yet with Covid but I hope that we can begin to see a glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel. Until then I’ll strike a match and light the way myself!

All that remains is to thank you for being metaphorically by my side this year, for all your love and kindness and good wishes. I hope that you’ve been able to look back and find some positives from 2020. Keep looking up, for rainbows and stars and find all the good moments to focus on.

Happy new year. I’ll look forward to sharing many happy times with you in 2021.

Love Emma xxxx

 

Love

 Love

What is love?

Love is far more than saying I love you,

And sometimes, it’s not hearing it, but knowing it’s there.

Love is thinking before you speak and remembering to be kind even when you’ve had a tough day and are in a bad mood, and forgiving and understanding the other when we don’t quite pull this off.

Love is not all the pretty stuff we post on Social media, but farting in bed, smelly morning breath, snoring, staying up late getting drunk and singing along to Mamma Mia at the top of our voices. 

Sunday mornings lazing in bed with coffee and somewhat eclectic breakfasts

Gentle teasing about F1 drivers, Apple verses Android, Radio 2 or Kiss FM, setting 5 alarms and snoozing the last 10 times verses jumping straight out of bed for work.

Love is appreciating our similarities, acknowledging our differences, our anxieties, and our quirks without judgement.

Love is understanding that we love our families even when we find ours or each other’s difficult.

Love is trust, trust that we will be honest with each other, but always kind. No secrets, no lies.

Love is building each other up but not putting on a pedestal. 

Encouraging each other to be the best that we can be, and sometimes, in the nicest way,  it’s calling each other out on our crap.

Love is understanding that life isn’t all plain sailing and when storms make the waters choppy, as they will, we will have broad shoulders and strong arms to support when needed and to know that the other will be there to support us in turn. 

Love is singing in the car and taking turns to be the designated driver.

It’s prioritising each other and, when needed, ourselves, because you can’t pour from an empty cup.

It’s more than just sharing the chores, but sharing our ideas, money and resources to build something together with solid foundations.

It’s Midnight conversations asking what’s for dinner tomorrow and laughing till we cry at the silliest things.

It’s promising to look after each other when it’s easy and when it’s not. When we are ill and as we get old together. 

It’s planning adventures and having a best friend to share it all and to make memories with.

Sometimes it’s both of us talking excitedly at the same time, and finishing each other’s sentences, 

but it is also enjoying the silences together, the small moments, watching tv, washing up, cuddles before sleep, holding hands ........

Life is a succession of small moments to be celebrated, because all those small moments add up to big things. They make us us, and they add up to love.

Love in the time of Covid 19

Well, I haven’t kept up my blog for a long time but now seems like the perfect time to resurrect it. If you get really bored you can search my back catalogue!!

We are living in very strange times and they have escalated at a rate that makes me feel dizzy.

At the beginning it felt quite surreal but over the next few weeks I am sure it will begin to feel all too real as we watch the daily news, the figures rising and perhaps people we know, love and care for fall victim to this virus.

At the start I was quite ashamed to be part of the human race with the scenes of supermarket madness. I was disgusted at the greed and selfishness displayed and it made me quite low. 

Now you all know that I am a Pollyanna at heart and those that now me best know that I am either, to quote Robbie Williams, “ a little too high or a little too low. “ and when I fall in to the pit of despair I fall hard. 

You also know that I will drag my ass back up again but I was in a bit of a tizzy to say the least. A real low funk! My mental health was not good, my anxiety was through the roof. 

I have always had a full diary of things to look forward to and this year being my 50th I had more plans than ever, tickets booked for lots of things, a bucket list I was looking forward to. Suddenly, an empty calendar stretching before me as events were cancelled one by one. Everything felt uncertain and bleak.

Then I got thinking, my brain never stops whirring. It drives me mad which is one of the reasons I started my blog in the first place, it helps me to put my thoughts down in writing. I’ll apologise for my spelling in advance 😂

People were behaving in this awful way because they were scared, scared for themselves and for the people they love and I guess it is hard wired in all of our DNA to protect ourselves and the people we love and this is what was driving this insanity. Survival of the fittest and all that.

Slowly we have all calmed down a bit and while we are all still scared we can see a bigger picture emerging.

While we all adjust to this new pace of staying at home it is us Pollyanna’s who will try to keep everyone united, busy and smiling. So many heartwarming stories of human kindness and sacrifice are appearing everywhere you look. 

I have been criticised over the years for my love of Facebook and social media but it has always been a lifeline to me. When I was living through domestic abuse, through my divorce and after it when I was lonely it had an important role to play in keeping me busy and connected. I joined groups, made friends, fell in love. I try as I always have, to use my social media to bring joy and happiness. Spread that shit around, we all need it now more than ever.

And now, everywhere you look people are doing the same, live comedy, online quizzes, live meditation (which I love) keep fit, videos of actors reading sonnets, my photography groups, friends posting videos of them singing..... the list goes on and on. Technology is the thing that is empowering us at the moment, a tool for good if we use it correctly. Being in isolation should not leave us feeling isolated.

Add to that the stories of everyone coming out to clap for the NHS which was quite emosh and people offering to help get food for others less able. People coming together and uniting and coordinating effort. Stories of people putting their lives at risk to save others, people keeping the country going with a smile on their faces, doctors, food suppliers, care workers, teaching staff, postal workers, delivery drivers. There will still be stories unfortunately of people taking advantage of the situation, scammers etc but on the whole It is a tsunami of positivity during this alarming test of our endurance.

It has been lovely to reconnect with friends, check up on family. I’ve had more conversations with my neighbours this week than before ( at a distance) I’ve set up what’s app groups with different groups of friends and family,  FaceTime sessions, etc. I am trying to post quizzes and puzzles to keep our minds active and get people involved in things more than ever. 

Some may find it annoying but most, I hope appreciate it. I am focused more than ever on the people in my life that I love and that bring me joy. I am so very fortunate that in Ian I have a partner who makes me laugh every day, who puts up with my moody shit, my crying and understands me better than anyone ever has. I am blessed that those I love are, for now, safe and well.

I’m still scared.

I still have to go to work albeit on a smaller scale. I’d much rather cocoon myself safe at home but the job I do is more important than ever at this particular, peculiar time.

Luke has been redeployed to Waitrose as John Lewis have shut their doors and I worry about him being in contact with the public and bringing something home but again, it’s an important and necessary service atm. 

We are all worried about the future financial implications as jobs are on hold or lost and holidays and such are held in the balance.

But we are all in this together and globally not just in our own neighbourhoods and it’s so heartwarming to see everyone unite, despite our growing fears, with us all doing our best to look after each other, physically, emotionally and spiritually. Never mind Herd Immunity, it’s all about Herd Community!! I for one am seeing all the positives.

As we adjust to this new pace of life, new priorities it would be lovely to think that we will continue these things on into our future. Unfortunately I fear that as we all get back to normal in a few months time we will go back to being the selfish twats we were before. Pollution will once again rise, we will forget to call our family and to reconnect with friends as the pace of our lives returns to its frantic pace. We will stop looking after our mental health and each other. But I hope not. We have an amazing opportunity to rediscover what and who is really important in our lives and to carry it forward.

Stay safe my friends. Peace and love. Xx

RIP

• In 2017 there were 6,213 suicides in the UK and Republic of Ireland.
• Of these, 5,821 suicides were registered in the UK 
• and 392 occurred in the Republic of Ireland.
• In the UK, men are three times as likely to take their own lives than women.
• In the UK, the highest suicide rate was for men aged 45-49

Masculinity – the way men are brought up to 
behave and the roles, attributes and behaviours that society expects of them – contributes to suicide in men..

Samaritans report, 'Men and Suicide: Why it's a social issue' 

Terrifying statistics that became a reality for our family at the 

beginning of the summer break when a friend of ours whom I have known for over 20 years committed suicide, leaving behind 2 lovely young children and a devastated wife. An older son, A father, a sister, family in law.
In a split second, their lives changed. 

Then the ripple effect, his close friends, his school and other friends, 

his children’s friends families, his ex colleagues, his neighbours...... 

people who loved him, people who cared.

It is going to take a lot of time and a lot of love for his closest family 
and friends to come to terms with this and for them to pick up the pieces of their broken lives and rebuild some semblance of normality now after the funeral. I suspect they are working through many emotions and there is so little anyone can really do to make it any easier.

Mental health is different to your physical Heath. It’s scary to face and talk honestly about, but so, so important not to neglect.

But it is not always as easy to see as a physical problem which is why we need to fight to change people’s attitudes and societies perception of mental health. We need to raise boys to become men who can be open about their feelings, men who are confident to be sensitive, and 
that know that it is okay to not always be okay and to seek support when it’s not.  

So, alongside his best friend, my bro in law Glen and my sister Jo, Ian and I and some other friends will be undertaking an 8 mile night time walk from Greenwich to Big Ben on Saturday 26th October for the charity CALM ( Campaign against living miserably ) who’s frontline services run a free and confidential helpline and web chat. 

They offer support for those bereaved by suicide and they spread their message and facilitate supportive spaces in workplaces, universities, nubs, clubs and prisons to help people feel empowered to share experiences and get the help they need before they reach the point of crisis.

“As time goes backwards, we’re walking forwards to campaign against feeling rubbish, against struggling in silence, against being alone, against living miserably.

16 people take their own life every day, leaving behind thousands of friends and family and colleagues. On the day we are given extra time, we walk for those for whom there wasn’t enough.”

There is little else we can do but walk, talk, remember him and raise some money that may help someone else in need.

If you would like to sponsor us you can use this link to our Just giving page.

www.justgiving.com/fundraising/emma-white117