New Year 2020-2021

Last New Years Eve seems like such a long time ago now. January 2020 started with a bang! A new job (which I love) I turned 50yrs and had a lovely family lunch at Lemonia and a fab party in Soho with friends and family. I made a bucket list to celebrate my “big” birthday and had lots to look forward to.

Then, the news reports started coming out of China, news reports of Cruise Ships being stranded and people on board getting sick, people not allowed to come on to land. Even then we didn’t quite realise the impact this was going to have on us, as individuals, a country, the world, the economy..........it seemed so remote. Then panic rose and our world imploded.

It started with the kind of bizarre behaviour that only mankind can produce, loo roll stockpiling! The supermarkets went mad! Pasta, flour, yeast were non existent, shelves literally bare in every town across the country. Queuing outside supermarkets through the car park became our new normal as Boris announced Lockdown.

Our world shrunk around us and new vocabulary entered our consciousness.

Covid 19

Daily government briefings with Boris and Whitty.

Work from home, protect the NHS

Nightingale Hospital 

Teaching moved on line, parents becoming main educators

Joe Wicks keeps the nation fit

Furlough and grants

Clapping for the NHS

Getting to know my neighbors 

Distanced chatting in front gardens from gate to door

Rainbows in windows

Roads so quiet, barely any traffic

Anxiety rising, overwhelming fear

Daily meditation with Jay Shetty

Salsa styling classes on line in my kitchen

Loungewear 

Weight gain

Walking to keep fit and discovering new places

On line quizzes and games

Lockdown beards

Home haircuts ( and in my case making the move to stop dying my hair )

Zoom therapy sessions for Luke and a support group for me

Lockdown viewing wish list

Masks

Hand gel

Temperature checks

Covid tests (x3) and relief when negative result

Isolating

Protecting vulnerable family

No hugging

Elbow bumps and toe taps

One way systems

Restaurants, theatres, pubs, hairdressers closed, essential shopping only

Holidays canceled

Theatre trips canceled 

Eat out to help out

Working through lockdown

Being a keyworker

Bubbles

Tier system rollercoaster

Being kind and the kindness of strangers

Good friends

Brexit back in the news again, deal finally agreed

New variant spreading fast

Vaccine hope

Countries shutting their boarders

Lorries stacked up in Dover

Christmas is not cancelled but Christmas is different this year

Quiet New Year celebrations at home.

Quite a sobering list huh! But there have been many highlights and good times amongst all that. 

Amongst the positives are that I got to spend time with the 3 most important people in my life. I got to see more of my daughter Beth as she would normally be working, we were able to go on some lovely walks together, I’m so glad she was staying at my Mums when all this kicked off, it would have been awful had she been living on her own further away and she’s been a great support to my Mum and Eddie too. 

I got to spend more quality time with Luke too as we shared time cooking together which was lovely.

But also to spend more time with Ian and we’ve had to do things differently this year, visited places together we would never have found if it weren’t for the restrictions we’ve been living under, lavender farms, sunflower fields, Downton Abbey with Uncle Andy and Aunty Val, drive in movies, walks in the woods etc. We have grown even closer together and have taken it in turns to give and receive support when needed, which we have always done, but I think this year we have reached an even deeper understanding of what we need individually and as a couple. For instance Ian quickly worked out that when I was feeling trapped inside and life spiralling out of our control and my anxiety was sky high that he needed to get me out, quite literally!  “ come on, we’re going for a walk, where shall we go?” became a regular thing back in the Spring/ Summer. This year has cemented our relationship into even deeper footings, we’ve been through a lot this year and have done a lot of soul searching. In adverse times you find out a lot about yourself and what you need individually and as a couple and you find about a lot about other people. Much like when I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer.

Sadly In my quest to carve out my future with Ian and have financial independence I’ve managed to upset and hurt my sister (and my mum) which was not something I ever set out to do. Things are broken down with my sister at the moment but I’ll  keep throwing out olive branches. I hope that next year I can reach an understanding with her but It’s been an unbelievably painful, hurtful and upsetting time.

Ian proposed to me in October in a beautiful way at the V&A and we have planned a very small wedding in February which at the moment have no idea if it will be able to go ahead. We’re ok with it though,  It will happen at some point and in some form next year but it’s not in our control. We are delighted and excited nevertheless and very much looking forward to becoming Mr & Mrs Foreman.

I’ve reached my 10yr cancerversary mark as the year draws to a close which is a good feeling. My anxiety around my cancer returning is quietening every year now which is a relief. It’s taken such a long time.

My life has been made richer by my close friendship groups this year, I have friends that always have my back, make me laugh, share my joy and pain ( and wine) and am looking forward to some good times to come, including hopefully a wedding reception!! I need to throw my bouquet!!

So, this year has been far from ideal but I take courage from the good moments, my glass is still half full. I’m thankful that we have made it through the last 9 months with all our friends and family still safe and well and hope that as we look forward on the brink of a new year that this remains so. We are not out of the woods yet with Covid but I hope that we can begin to see a glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel. Until then I’ll strike a match and light the way myself!

All that remains is to thank you for being metaphorically by my side this year, for all your love and kindness and good wishes. I hope that you’ve been able to look back and find some positives from 2020. Keep looking up, for rainbows and stars and find all the good moments to focus on.

Happy new year. I’ll look forward to sharing many happy times with you in 2021.

Love Emma xxxx

 

Love

 Love

What is love?

Love is far more than saying I love you,

And sometimes, it’s not hearing it, but knowing it’s there.

Love is thinking before you speak and remembering to be kind even when you’ve had a tough day and are in a bad mood, and forgiving and understanding the other when we don’t quite pull this off.

Love is not all the pretty stuff we post on Social media, but farting in bed, smelly morning breath, snoring, staying up late getting drunk and singing along to Mamma Mia at the top of our voices. 

Sunday mornings lazing in bed with coffee and somewhat eclectic breakfasts

Gentle teasing about F1 drivers, Apple verses Android, Radio 2 or Kiss FM, setting 5 alarms and snoozing the last 10 times verses jumping straight out of bed for work.

Love is appreciating our similarities, acknowledging our differences, our anxieties, and our quirks without judgement.

Love is understanding that we love our families even when we find ours or each other’s difficult.

Love is trust, trust that we will be honest with each other, but always kind. No secrets, no lies.

Love is building each other up but not putting on a pedestal. 

Encouraging each other to be the best that we can be, and sometimes, in the nicest way,  it’s calling each other out on our crap.

Love is understanding that life isn’t all plain sailing and when storms make the waters choppy, as they will, we will have broad shoulders and strong arms to support when needed and to know that the other will be there to support us in turn. 

Love is singing in the car and taking turns to be the designated driver.

It’s prioritising each other and, when needed, ourselves, because you can’t pour from an empty cup.

It’s more than just sharing the chores, but sharing our ideas, money and resources to build something together with solid foundations.

It’s Midnight conversations asking what’s for dinner tomorrow and laughing till we cry at the silliest things.

It’s promising to look after each other when it’s easy and when it’s not. When we are ill and as we get old together. 

It’s planning adventures and having a best friend to share it all and to make memories with.

Sometimes it’s both of us talking excitedly at the same time, and finishing each other’s sentences, 

but it is also enjoying the silences together, the small moments, watching tv, washing up, cuddles before sleep, holding hands ........

Life is a succession of small moments to be celebrated, because all those small moments add up to big things. They make us us, and they add up to love.

Love in the time of Covid 19

Well, I haven’t kept up my blog for a long time but now seems like the perfect time to resurrect it. If you get really bored you can search my back catalogue!!

We are living in very strange times and they have escalated at a rate that makes me feel dizzy.

At the beginning it felt quite surreal but over the next few weeks I am sure it will begin to feel all too real as we watch the daily news, the figures rising and perhaps people we know, love and care for fall victim to this virus.

At the start I was quite ashamed to be part of the human race with the scenes of supermarket madness. I was disgusted at the greed and selfishness displayed and it made me quite low. 

Now you all know that I am a Pollyanna at heart and those that now me best know that I am either, to quote Robbie Williams, “ a little too high or a little too low. “ and when I fall in to the pit of despair I fall hard. 

You also know that I will drag my ass back up again but I was in a bit of a tizzy to say the least. A real low funk! My mental health was not good, my anxiety was through the roof. 

I have always had a full diary of things to look forward to and this year being my 50th I had more plans than ever, tickets booked for lots of things, a bucket list I was looking forward to. Suddenly, an empty calendar stretching before me as events were cancelled one by one. Everything felt uncertain and bleak.

Then I got thinking, my brain never stops whirring. It drives me mad which is one of the reasons I started my blog in the first place, it helps me to put my thoughts down in writing. I’ll apologise for my spelling in advance 😂

People were behaving in this awful way because they were scared, scared for themselves and for the people they love and I guess it is hard wired in all of our DNA to protect ourselves and the people we love and this is what was driving this insanity. Survival of the fittest and all that.

Slowly we have all calmed down a bit and while we are all still scared we can see a bigger picture emerging.

While we all adjust to this new pace of staying at home it is us Pollyanna’s who will try to keep everyone united, busy and smiling. So many heartwarming stories of human kindness and sacrifice are appearing everywhere you look. 

I have been criticised over the years for my love of Facebook and social media but it has always been a lifeline to me. When I was living through domestic abuse, through my divorce and after it when I was lonely it had an important role to play in keeping me busy and connected. I joined groups, made friends, fell in love. I try as I always have, to use my social media to bring joy and happiness. Spread that shit around, we all need it now more than ever.

And now, everywhere you look people are doing the same, live comedy, online quizzes, live meditation (which I love) keep fit, videos of actors reading sonnets, my photography groups, friends posting videos of them singing..... the list goes on and on. Technology is the thing that is empowering us at the moment, a tool for good if we use it correctly. Being in isolation should not leave us feeling isolated.

Add to that the stories of everyone coming out to clap for the NHS which was quite emosh and people offering to help get food for others less able. People coming together and uniting and coordinating effort. Stories of people putting their lives at risk to save others, people keeping the country going with a smile on their faces, doctors, food suppliers, care workers, teaching staff, postal workers, delivery drivers. There will still be stories unfortunately of people taking advantage of the situation, scammers etc but on the whole It is a tsunami of positivity during this alarming test of our endurance.

It has been lovely to reconnect with friends, check up on family. I’ve had more conversations with my neighbours this week than before ( at a distance) I’ve set up what’s app groups with different groups of friends and family,  FaceTime sessions, etc. I am trying to post quizzes and puzzles to keep our minds active and get people involved in things more than ever. 

Some may find it annoying but most, I hope appreciate it. I am focused more than ever on the people in my life that I love and that bring me joy. I am so very fortunate that in Ian I have a partner who makes me laugh every day, who puts up with my moody shit, my crying and understands me better than anyone ever has. I am blessed that those I love are, for now, safe and well.

I’m still scared.

I still have to go to work albeit on a smaller scale. I’d much rather cocoon myself safe at home but the job I do is more important than ever at this particular, peculiar time.

Luke has been redeployed to Waitrose as John Lewis have shut their doors and I worry about him being in contact with the public and bringing something home but again, it’s an important and necessary service atm. 

We are all worried about the future financial implications as jobs are on hold or lost and holidays and such are held in the balance.

But we are all in this together and globally not just in our own neighbourhoods and it’s so heartwarming to see everyone unite, despite our growing fears, with us all doing our best to look after each other, physically, emotionally and spiritually. Never mind Herd Immunity, it’s all about Herd Community!! I for one am seeing all the positives.

As we adjust to this new pace of life, new priorities it would be lovely to think that we will continue these things on into our future. Unfortunately I fear that as we all get back to normal in a few months time we will go back to being the selfish twats we were before. Pollution will once again rise, we will forget to call our family and to reconnect with friends as the pace of our lives returns to its frantic pace. We will stop looking after our mental health and each other. But I hope not. We have an amazing opportunity to rediscover what and who is really important in our lives and to carry it forward.

Stay safe my friends. Peace and love. Xx